Christian yogi dancer, yogi dancer christian, or dancer yogi christian

Ever since I took yoga teacher training last summer, life has taken a much better turn. Not much has changed from the outside world but mostly my inner world has undergone an ongoing make over. It is becoming increasingly clear that, my inner world is muddled with unexpressed emotion, and my mood changes constantly, it can make myself, or any friend who gets close to me overwhelmed. And that I will never be as rational as some of my much admired friends are, they tend to remain calm and unruffled in spite of all the things spinning around. Picking up hobbies like dancing and bible reading is my way to engage the overly active mind, so I will not loss balance so often as to bug my friends all the time. Yet the greedy mind yearns for more and there are still more things inside is unsettled and restless, looking for more channels out, as if using a water hose to channel a flood. Writing journal is another way to channel out my pent up energy, or you may call it, excessive emotional energy.

Then, here comes yoga, it has mesmerized me with its gentleness, peace, love, and elegance. I am hooked. Ever since starting the teacher's training in June last year, I have been doing yoga almost daily without interruption till now even after the teacher's training was long finished. If anything else, an avid yogi is born. I can not see I will get tired of Yoga anytime soon, it grows up on me more each day. Along with my bible, yoga has been my life line.

Maybe I am biased at times?

Okay, I might not be one of the most forgiving people in the world as I want to believe. Truth is, if someone really steps on my toes, I mean, really on my toes, I will not forget and turn into his/her most loyal enemies. It does not matter what kinds of sweet things he or she does afterwards, although I might be moved a little a bit at times, I will not forget about the hurt. And the ugly feeling of resentment will sure surface when I am least expected, and I will openly, demonstrate my abhorrence without any hesitation or reservation. Luckily, there are not many people on the little black list, and I still consider myself a loving person, generally speaking.  Today, I exchanged some emails with a woman that has been occupying the black list for the past 2 years, I am polite, and I have to admit that she is sweet. That makes me think, maybe I should give people, I mean, everyone, benefits of doubt. After all resentment is such a big waste of time.

Sandy Sandy goes away, never come another day

Midnight, sitting alone in front of the monitor. The room is a bit messy, with papers scattered on the table and the floor, and some clothes randomly lying on the bed. The lamps make the room seem warm and cozy. I am chastising myself for not having a clean and well organized room all the time, since that is what is expected out of a woman, on the other hand, felt comforted by the thoughts that it is okay the room is messy right now since no one else sees it. Having been thought about how the people who live in the east coast is doing tonight since hurricane Sandy is terrorizing several states there, water has inundated new york subway,  many people have to go to bed without electricity.

You must become the kind of person that you like

It is not easy to grow into the kind of person you are intended to be, and apologetically so. But that is the only way to be at peace and at ease with myself. This year is the year, for growth, for love, and for happiness.

Why she is mad?

After two hours yoga at yoga studio, I walked into a whole food store nearby. Grab a plate of dinner loaded with vegies, fish, and potato, I was waiting to check out. A woman suddenly approached me, stopped, and demanded in a very angry voice:" So, tell me the truth, why you are so skinny? Do you ever eat? or you eat less than 900 calories a day?". I was quite taken back by her unexpected question and her gesture. She is an mildly overweight Caucasian woman, the kind you would expect to be a smiling and mild middle age woman. But not her, her face was turning pink out of seemingly self righteous anger. It is hard to tell whether she is mad with me, herself, or maybe both? I felt obligated to ease her mind, smiling her back:"No madam, I do not starve myself, I exercise, exercising is the key, daily exercise for an hour consistently do wonders you know, try it!" She looked at me, puzzled "daily exercise one hour per day?"as if it is the first time she heard about it. As if things suddenly make sense, her face relaxed, softened, and she walked away. 

Everyone has journey of his/her own

Finding myself branching out more to more "trivial" pursuits such as Yoga and dancing. Not sure how far and where these pursuits will take me. Getting a phone call from LA fitness manager to discuss my application of a yoga teacher position there today, it seems being a yoga teacher is within my reach, not a distant dream that I can fancy about. And that also mean, it will take time away from my "serious pursuits" such as writing papers and pursue my academic career. And the tango lessons that I have been taking along with the Chinese folk dancing at Church make me look like a very "non serious" academics.

My academic career, so far, is really lackluster. Teaching in an online university is more like a professional suicide with the only comfort that pay is okay. With the increasing threat of job security, even that comfort starts to feel not so sure anymore. Dancing and doing yoga give me peace of mind and take me to a different world, sometimes I am wondering if these activities simply delay me to do things that really need to be taken care of urgently, or they keep me balanced. I do not know.

Do other people also have so much doubts about themselves? I wonder. Or I should keep myself engaged on all activities to do more and think less?

Tango lesson

Sitting all day, squeezing a paper out of me, feeling like squeezing a pretty empty tooth paste, my butt seems to grow bigger every minute goes by. Standing up, stretching, yeah, tango lesson tonight. From now on, tango, only to express how I feel, not to please anyone.