June 14, 2011, first day in Italy - a remote hotel, roma

After over eleven hours of flight, I arrived Roma airport. Having forgotten to remove contact lens at the airplane, my eyes felt very dry and can barely open. I rushed to the restroom and splashed some water to ease the uncomfortableness. The airport is not much different from any other airports I saw in US, passengers were running around, men seemed to like to stare a bit more in Italy.

Since the conference was held in Florence, I would stay in Roma for a day and take a train to Florence the next day. The hotel that I booked from Hotels.com ended up to be outskirt of Roma although it claimed to be in the city center at the website. I ended up paying $60 tax to get to the hotel.

First thing that strike me most was how small the cars were in Italy. Many of them looked like half of the side of cars I am accustomed to see in US, they were more like toys than real cars. The second thing that I noticed was how chaotic things can get in high way. My taxi driver was an easy going Italian man. He had this rugged good look: dark eyes, and dark hair with a smile. "My name is Stefano", he grinned at me, pointing to the baby picture hanging in his car:"my baby boy, from the second wife." While he was talking, he wheeled the car left and right, passing a few other cars with narrow gaps. I held on to the car door nob to ease my nerve. Stefano was looking at me, laughing:"relax, it is okay." Then he suddenly yelled happily:"good job!", praising a driver successfully cut into our lane, almost hit our car. Having driven in California since 2003, I am no stranger to crazy drivers, yet I was still ill prepared.

The hotel I am staying was located in suburb area outside Roma. The hotel itself was very comfortable, yet it was far away from the center of the city. So I decided to explore Roma later after I was done with the conference in Florence. Looking out from the hotel room window, I can see huge expense of fields with rolls of hey, so serene and beautiful, looks like a painting I have seen before, it is by Monet? do not remember. In the distance, someone was yelling Italian in the distant, sounds like broadcasting news at station. Everything seems so different.

There were seven to eight Italian men standing outside the hotel, when I walked in and out of the hotel, every man was staring at me. I understand that people might get curious and look at strangers, but usually they moved their eyes away when you noticed it. Not these Italian men, they just stared at you, with no apology, no pretense, they did not care whether you were embarrassed, they just looked at you, eyes not even blinking. Feeling very uncomfortable, I dashed in and out of hotel very fast. Since there was no other restaurant that was walking distance, I had dinner at hotel restaurant. There were about fifteen men there, I was the only female, I felt eyes on me, pretending I did not notice, and worked hard on the delicious sea food pasta.

A little detour

It is so interesting that the impact of experience so strong could be swept away so fast by ups and downs of daily life. The source of many of these ups and downs comes from inside, the mind, not really outside, the circumstances. In my case, the bliss of trip to Europe lasted shortly, quickly replaced by the self imposed turmoil. Of course, there is always a trigger outside, but whether chose to respond or not, it is totally from inside. And alas, I hit the start button of another round of emotional roller coaster, and here it went, a month of sleepless nights and dark circles under the eyes. I prayed and asked GOD to help. And He did. 

Out of the blue, Chingsia, a girlfriend back in graduate school days called. Company sent her to work in Silicon Valley for a month. She asked me if I could stay with her, I could bring along Romeo, my little mutt, and Jerry, a thumb size gold fish. The Marriott suit she was staying allows only pet dog and fish, with $99 to cover the pet cost for the whole stay. It was quite tempting. This girl friend and I grew close to each other right before I graduated from Olemiss, she has witnessed my ups and downs in the final stage of thesis work. This is really a GOD sent for me to see her and spend time with her. GOD is really so good and patient with me.

Time spent with Chingsia flying so fast. She worked daily from 8:00 am till 11:30 pm in office, and we went out roaming around bayarea on weekends. I have been in bayareas for 5 years, know many "hot spots" in the area. Visiting these places really trigger happy feelings. Everyday, Chingsia starts the day reading bible, and me, started to follow suits. We went to prayers meeting on Wednesdays and bible studies on Fridays, just like when we used to be in Olemiss. It is really a time for me to rest and refresh my heart, mind, and soul. 

One thing that Chingsia told me really stuck in my mind. She said:"Wendy, you are not ready for one you like, actually anyone. You are so insecure. If you start a relationship now, it would be great at the beginning, then your insecurity will make it into a roller coaster in the long run. Come back to GOD, and give your insecurity to Him. Let him heal you first. He is preparing you so you are prepared for the blessings He is about to give you."

I was in shock, I felt she has pin pointed the source of my sufferings that I am just vaguely realized. When I asked her how did she know, she told me that she prayed about it, and asked GOD to reveal things to tell me.

Chingsia is not the chatter box kinda of girl. Most of the time, she just smiled. But when she does speak, sometimes, what came out of her mouth is shockingly true and to the point. Thinking back, so many of my issues are caused by my deep rooted insecurity, self doubt, and fears, either professionally or personally. It is about time to get healed, get strong, and set up a solid foundation for my life.

Driving back from Silicon Valley on Saturday night, I am thinking, I have spent my 30s trying to find a home for my heart. As a woman of 40 who should know better yet still so ignorant in so many ways, I am willing to spend time everyday with GOD in the next 10 years, ask His guidance in everything. I am so excited to see what life will bring in the coming 10 years of my life. 

With my mind and heart in order, I am ready to continue with the reminiscence of my summer trip to Europe before time washes away the sharpness of its images. Stay tuned. :)