It is so interesting that the impact of experience so strong could be swept away so fast by ups and downs of daily life. The source of many of these ups and downs comes from inside, the mind, not really outside, the circumstances. In my case, the bliss of trip to Europe lasted shortly, quickly replaced by the self imposed turmoil. Of course, there is always a trigger outside, but whether chose to respond or not, it is totally from inside. And alas, I hit the start button of another round of emotional roller coaster, and here it went, a month of sleepless nights and dark circles under the eyes. I prayed and asked GOD to help. And He did.
Out of the blue, Chingsia, a girlfriend back in graduate school days called. Company sent her to work in Silicon Valley for a month. She asked me if I could stay with her, I could bring along Romeo, my little mutt, and Jerry, a thumb size gold fish. The Marriott suit she was staying allows only pet dog and fish, with $99 to cover the pet cost for the whole stay. It was quite tempting. This girl friend and I grew close to each other right before I graduated from Olemiss, she has witnessed my ups and downs in the final stage of thesis work. This is really a GOD sent for me to see her and spend time with her. GOD is really so good and patient with me.
Time spent with Chingsia flying so fast. She worked daily from 8:00 am till 11:30 pm in office, and we went out roaming around bayarea on weekends. I have been in bayareas for 5 years, know many "hot spots" in the area. Visiting these places really trigger happy feelings. Everyday, Chingsia starts the day reading bible, and me, started to follow suits. We went to prayers meeting on Wednesdays and bible studies on Fridays, just like when we used to be in Olemiss. It is really a time for me to rest and refresh my heart, mind, and soul.
One thing that Chingsia told me really stuck in my mind. She said:"Wendy, you are not ready for one you like, actually anyone. You are so insecure. If you start a relationship now, it would be great at the beginning, then your insecurity will make it into a roller coaster in the long run. Come back to GOD, and give your insecurity to Him. Let him heal you first. He is preparing you so you are prepared for the blessings He is about to give you."
I was in shock, I felt she has pin pointed the source of my sufferings that I am just vaguely realized. When I asked her how did she know, she told me that she prayed about it, and asked GOD to reveal things to tell me.
Chingsia is not the chatter box kinda of girl. Most of the time, she just smiled. But when she does speak, sometimes, what came out of her mouth is shockingly true and to the point. Thinking back, so many of my issues are caused by my deep rooted insecurity, self doubt, and fears, either professionally or personally. It is about time to get healed, get strong, and set up a solid foundation for my life.
Driving back from Silicon Valley on Saturday night, I am thinking, I have spent my 30s trying to find a home for my heart. As a woman of 40 who should know better yet still so ignorant in so many ways, I am willing to spend time everyday with GOD in the next 10 years, ask His guidance in everything. I am so excited to see what life will bring in the coming 10 years of my life.
With my mind and heart in order, I am ready to continue with the reminiscence of my summer trip to Europe before time washes away the sharpness of its images. Stay tuned. :)
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