Why she is mad?

After two hours yoga at yoga studio, I walked into a whole food store nearby. Grab a plate of dinner loaded with vegies, fish, and potato, I was waiting to check out. A woman suddenly approached me, stopped, and demanded in a very angry voice:" So, tell me the truth, why you are so skinny? Do you ever eat? or you eat less than 900 calories a day?". I was quite taken back by her unexpected question and her gesture. She is an mildly overweight Caucasian woman, the kind you would expect to be a smiling and mild middle age woman. But not her, her face was turning pink out of seemingly self righteous anger. It is hard to tell whether she is mad with me, herself, or maybe both? I felt obligated to ease her mind, smiling her back:"No madam, I do not starve myself, I exercise, exercising is the key, daily exercise for an hour consistently do wonders you know, try it!" She looked at me, puzzled "daily exercise one hour per day?"as if it is the first time she heard about it. As if things suddenly make sense, her face relaxed, softened, and she walked away. 

Everyone has journey of his/her own

Finding myself branching out more to more "trivial" pursuits such as Yoga and dancing. Not sure how far and where these pursuits will take me. Getting a phone call from LA fitness manager to discuss my application of a yoga teacher position there today, it seems being a yoga teacher is within my reach, not a distant dream that I can fancy about. And that also mean, it will take time away from my "serious pursuits" such as writing papers and pursue my academic career. And the tango lessons that I have been taking along with the Chinese folk dancing at Church make me look like a very "non serious" academics.

My academic career, so far, is really lackluster. Teaching in an online university is more like a professional suicide with the only comfort that pay is okay. With the increasing threat of job security, even that comfort starts to feel not so sure anymore. Dancing and doing yoga give me peace of mind and take me to a different world, sometimes I am wondering if these activities simply delay me to do things that really need to be taken care of urgently, or they keep me balanced. I do not know.

Do other people also have so much doubts about themselves? I wonder. Or I should keep myself engaged on all activities to do more and think less?

Tango lesson

Sitting all day, squeezing a paper out of me, feeling like squeezing a pretty empty tooth paste, my butt seems to grow bigger every minute goes by. Standing up, stretching, yeah, tango lesson tonight. From now on, tango, only to express how I feel, not to please anyone.

Little alumni reunion at San Diego

This Saturday, I went to a small alumni reunion which consisted only 4 people at San Diego. It was not my idea to join the crew, if it is up to me, I preferred to be alone and recuperate this weekend. Yet a well intended schoolmate arranged the gathering and had told the other two that I would also be there without letting me know first. Maybe I have been in US for long, I prefer my opinion be consulted first before people schedule anything that involves me. Found myself not being able to appreciate this schoolmate's arrangement, I had been sulking all the way in her car to San Diego. Yeah, bad attitude, but can not hide it.

There must be something called chemistry among people. It is strange that there are some people that you really like the first time you met, in their presence, you felt relaxed, excited, and accepted, the other person feels the same way about you too. It does not matter how long you have known each other, the recognition is almost instantaneous, and the friendship keeps going. Yet for other people, it really does not matter how often you see them, it is still hard to connect. It is not that you do not like each other, it is more like there are not enough chemistry to sat the fire, let it be fire of love or fire of friendship. I have known these two schoolmates years back, I know they are wonderful people, but have not talked to them much at all at school. It is the first time that I saw them after 10 years. The conversation is good, it is lovely to see their beautiful homes and children, and it is lovely. Maybe I am asking too much, asking for the heart felt connection with everyone in your life is just unrealistic. Am I a stuck up?

When it becomes a habit to miss someone

Feeling like an odd ball, a woman of 40 years old, still has the kind of idealism reserved only for the younger ones. I will not say that I look younger than my age for fear of the cliche. When people come to a certain age, they like to say that they look and behave much younger. Yeah, right! I have never heard about people say they look older than their age. Strange, isn't it?

Steve Jobs used to say:"Stay hungry, and stay foolish." I wonder if I am the kind that IS foolish. Oh lord, has mercy on me.

When it has become a habit to miss someone, it is difficult to see them face to face. 

Dreams dreams

Have two weird dreams lately. In one dream, I found myself in an eight bedroom house close to occasion. It has beautiful hardwood floor, carved pillar, and highly decorated wall, and next to the window is the occasion view. It felt like a newly purchased home of mine, then I woke up. In another dream, I was sitting in a MBA class, one row in front of him. I hesitated and hesitated, then collected my courage and placed my hand into his. I am so happy that he held my hand tightly. The rush of happiness made me feeling dizzy, teacher just started at us, feeling annoyed. Then I woke up again.

Here goes again

It has been over a year since my trip to Europe. My plan of writing down what I saw, heard, and smell in that trip has fell on my face. The colors and vivid details of the trip have been buried under the hash hash daily life. But, I am still looking to get into it.

Not writing enough, not because of lack of time, so often, distracted, I am not in the mood to write. In fact, writing can be very therapeutic, it would be a good way find a channel to calm down the overly excited mental activities. For example, now, it is 1:30 pacific time, and I am not been able to sleep.

I am not looking to have anyone read my blog. Blogging, to me, is a personal way of clearing my head and dump the mental garbage to the cyberspace, to lament, record, wish, or cry about what I should have or not have done, should happen or not happen, not so nutritious or particularly helpful to anyone. The only comfort that I may find that someone, who happens to see the blog, may feel the similar struggle and triumph in their daily life. Again, maybe I am just being self righteous, it is highly possible that people might not react the way I react, and would have handled things very differently.

Again, I found myself another failed relationship. It is not so much failed relationship with another guy, it is more like having repeated failed relationship with the same guy again and again, ouch ouch! Time for me to really move on, you are wonderful, and I have overstayed my welcome. 

June 15, 2011 - First day in Florence

5:00 am, woke up by the crowing of rooster outside my window. In between the half asleep and half awoke, not sure where I was. It felt like those hot summer days in countryside when I was a little girl. Clearing my eyes, stretching, and yawning, it came to me that I lied in a hotel room in Italy! not a small country house in China.  Looking outside the window, I can see huge rolls of hays in the field. Everything was so serene and unreal, felt like I was in a painting.